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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.